All posts by tammeca

“Sometimes its the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination”….-Drake

Dear Son,

I took a creative writing class today and the teacher asked, “why are you here?” It took me a while, but I finally realized what made me schlep it all the way to Brooklyn with a pen and a notebook in hand. Sadly until that question was asked, I had no idea why I was going. I just knew I needed to get out the house.

But finally it hit me….what I’ve realized son is the thing that brought me to this class is you.

Over the past 3.5 years I’ve been quite overwhelmed with being your mommy. You have proven to be my biggest challenge in life. Now according to my resume I was not only suppose to meet this challenge head on, overcome it gracefully but also wow the world in the process. Sadly, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

What I fear most is my biggest challenge, that being your mommy, I will fail miserably.

For the record, I already know I’m not the best mom out there. Hell, I hate changing diapers. Keeping to a bedtime schedule annoys me. And I still don’t see anything wrong with cookies for breakfast. Oh and yes, mommy just used a bad word. But what I do know is that I love you more than any one will ever know.

Don’t get me wrong there are a few things we both would agree that I’m good at. I’m great at finding things for us to do on the weekends. Yes that was us at Sesame Street Live, Lego Movie and the park last weekend. And I’m great at going down the slide with you. That’s because I secretly love it too. Shhh

But what I’m not good at is telling and showing you how much I love you. Though I kiss you nonstop every morning and every night and Mommy always says “I love you,” love is so much more complicated than that.

It’s taken me many years to learn this, but my dear son, love is the most complex gift one can give. Love is being vulnerable enough to show you who I really am.

So, here is my attempt at true love.

I joined this class so that I can tell you my story. I want you to know the disheveled, lunatic you call mommy. I want you to know my heartaches, wins, and dreams directly from the lady you give your sticky kisses to. You need to know who the dred loc rocking, micro manager, who holds your hand when you cross the street really is.

As you grow, many people will tell you stories of me. Mommy’s friends and your aunties will share their stories of the red haired girl who threw rocks at the little boy who stabbed Aunty Nicola with a pencil. And their stories will be factually true. In their eyes I was much braver than I really am. And I must thank them for that. For no one really knows the mommy that cries at night. No one really knows the broken little girl still searching for love and acceptance.

So we will take their stories of the brave woman and combine them with the little girl and hopefully both of us will grow from love in the process. Son, to truly show how much I love you, I will show you me. The me only I can tell you.

So brace yourself Mikey, we are off to a crazy journey….Together.

Luv Mommy

“The only courage you ever need is the courage to live the life of your dreams.”- —Oprah

Dear Son,

Today was an awesome day. One of those Oprah “Ah Hah” kinda days. Actually it was Oprah herself that lead me to my new awakening. I had the chance to go to her “The Life You Want” tour and it was ……PHENOMENAL.

The day started with an exercise lead by Oprah herself.

Close your eyes she said. Picture the person you love the most. See their face. Let the warmth of your love for them wash over you.

Now, what do you wish for them? What kind of life do you want for them? What kind of job do you want them to have? Are they a doctor, lawyer, artist, or does it even matter? What do they do on weekends? What kind of freedoms do they enjoy? How are they spiritually? How about their relationships? Are they married, have kids, enjoy lunch with best friends? Are they happy?

Now of course, me being your mother, I immediately thought of you. I envisioned you standing tall and proud. I wished nothing but love, happiness, friendship and endless dreams for you my dear. I imagined a life where you were well respected, and yet courageous enough to be your authentic self.

I envisioned a life of freedom for you. Freedom to choose your career, your partner, and your goals. You would be brave enough to spend your time doing what you loved and being who you were meant to be all the while knowing that ……..YOU ARE ENOUGH.

This son is what I envisioned for the person I loved the most………..YOU.

But here is where Oprah pulled her “Ah Hah” on me. As I started to rejoice in thinking how amazing your life will be, she then asked, why is the person you love the most not yourself?

And that’s when it hit me. My heart’s desires were for you to lead the life that I wanted. Yet, I was not courageous enough to claim them for myself. For some reason I believed that to live a life that I described for you was not attainable by me. Never did I imagine you being scared to show the world who you really were. Never did I imagine you being held down by society’s standards for you. And at no point did I think you would feel like you were not good enough.

It was too hard to imagine loving myself more than anyone else, especially you?

But in fact, the true question really is why did I not love myself more than anyone else, including you?

And that son, was the start of my awakening. Now that we know the root of the problem, let the journey begin.

Luv Mommy

“Angst is the fear that tomorrow will be the same as today”…….-Unknown

Dear Son,

Today your forehead was hot.

Today mommy felt powerless.

Today you refused to eat.

Today mommy doubted her existence.

Today you laid around…pitifully.

Today mommy talked to God.

Today you coughed, and coughed, and coughed

Today mommy cried, and cried, and cried.

Today you were sick.

Today mommy was scared.

Thank God for tomorrows.

Luv Mommy